i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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