I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
