I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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