After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
