You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
