Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
