sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
