I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
