dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
