I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
