You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
