its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
