Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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