There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
