just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm always down for nudity.
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