I cockslap morals
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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