dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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