i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
