i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize