If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
