I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
