K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
