We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
