She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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