I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
