google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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