i love accidental penises.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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