dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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