Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
