He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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