remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
