I have demons in me.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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