I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
