Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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