you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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