Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
