I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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