i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
