There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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