Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
