I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
