guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
