you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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