got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
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