I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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