Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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