I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
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