mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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