My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
