I can't watch pbs sober anymore
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
