The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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