would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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