nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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