The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
