I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
