im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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