If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
