No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just had sex on a roof
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
