Old men and throwing up are my life now.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize