My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
