no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
