Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
