Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
