when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
